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Crime Does Not Pay In Charm City

September 19, 2009

Have you all seen the story about the Johns Hopkins student who killed an intruder with a samurai sword this past week?  Shocking, huh?  While I in no way endorse the taking of a life, I can certainly understand the desire to protect his property.  Especially since just hours earlier someone had broken in and stolen two laptops and a video game console!  I mean can you imagine?  It’s like the guy’s house had a big BREAK IN HERE! message on it or something. 

It wouldn’t be the first house to have a message written on it.  About a year ago a house up the street had EARLS CRACKHOUSE (sic) spraypainted on the side.  I’m not sure if that was from a disgruntled customer or a brilliant stroke of marketing on Earl’s part.  Either way, it appeared that Earl was about to hit a string of bad luck.  The next sign we saw at Earl’s was a smaller note taped to the front door:

Earls in jail.  Knock and you will be to.

I promise I am not making that up. 

Earl’s place has since been rehabbed and flipped.  Let’s hope he wasn’t cooking meth, otherwise those new owners will be in for a time of it.

So last night I took Cecilia out for her evening pee around 10pm.  Last night she’s about to pop a squat and a young man comes out of a neighbor’s back yard.  A young man who does not live in my neighborhood. 

So I say “Can I help you?”  He looks a little startled.  I continue “I always walk my dog out here and I’ve never seen you before.  What are you doing?”

One of the nice things about getting older is that I can ask moderately rude questions of younger people and they don’t yet know to be offended. 

Before Guy 1 has a chance to answer, out comes another young man who curiously has his shirt off.  Guy 2 spies Cecilia and shies away a little before asking “Does she bite?”

My reply?  “She might.”

Note: To my knowledge, Cecilia has only bitten someone twice in her life.  Both times that person was me.  Both times she was defending a found chicken bone.  Moral of the story?  DO NOT get between girlfriend and her chicken bone.

I repeat my question: “What are you guys doing?”

Guy 1 mumbles something about trying to find out the house number to see if his friend lives there.  I then point out that most houses have numbers on the front, not the back and suggest that they move along. 

I’m not sure if they were scoping out a target, doing drugs or having sex, but I know those men were not on the up and up.  And Cecilia unknowingly became my guard dog.  Which is a very good thing, because I did not have my samurai sword with me.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. debby permalink
    September 20, 2009 1:12 am

    You’re making me nervous, man! First the angry mad guy, and now two half-naked boys? Couldn’t you just pretend you didn’t see these people? I’m pretty good at that…

    • Juice permalink*
      September 21, 2009 9:44 am

      But Debby, then I wouldn’t have any blog material! 😉

  2. September 20, 2009 7:32 am

    But they say you shouldn’t act like a victim, so speaking wasn’t a bad idea. I have no idea what I would have done, but Cecilia wouldn’t want anyone messing with Feeder. Then she’d be hungry and that wouldn’t do.

  3. seriouslykk permalink
    September 21, 2009 11:25 am

    Ugh! Now I really want you to move out West!

  4. September 21, 2009 1:30 pm

    So you are going to think I am just a creepy stalker (if you don’t think so already) rather than a faithful reader, but here ya go:

    I turned on the game show Match Game from the 70s and they started singing, “Does your mother know you’re out, Cecilia?” by Louis Prima.

    Naturally, I thought of your blog.

    • Juice permalink*
      September 21, 2009 2:15 pm

      I love it! Caron, you definitely get the Faithful Reader Award!

  5. September 22, 2009 12:29 pm

    I can’t tell you how many times my answer to the question “does your dog bite?” changes based on my environment. When we lived in our gb appt & the section 8 wait list from dc started moving in my answer was always “he tends to act nice then bite when you move in to pet him” Clever little white lies never made me feel safer & always made the sketchy guys leave me alone 🙂

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